My Life According to a Sestina

Soooo, I had an assignment to write a narrative about myself and I chose to do it through the poetic form of a Sestina (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sestina). If you don't know what that is...it's a really complex poem formula that takes lots and lots and lots of effort to make perfect..I still don't think I've mastered it. But this is me trying..enjoy:

Deep in the heart of the Coosa Valley,
a month before the arrival of fall--
instead of a son like my brother'd been praying for, a daughter
my parents brought home to shower with love.
In that sweet, tender moment my life made theirs as still
as puddles in grass after a warm summer rain.

I grew up bright-eyed and innocent, never seeing the rain
as a symbol of pain...not knowing the valley
as a dark, lonely bane. To me the world was still
a lovely home, the earth still a safe place to fall.
All I had ever seen, all I'd ever known was love...
after all, isn't that what anyone wants for their daughter?

But at the end of the day, I'm still my daddy's daughter,
independent and curious, chasing after the rain,
seeking answers and truth, and like any other girl --love.
While high on the mountain, I didn't understand this valley
my parents began warning me of...but when high on the mountain, you've room to fall;
it's inevitable in life and can't be stopped by standing still.

She tried to be strong, she tried to stand still
but the pressures, desires, and temptations of the world tore this daughter
from her haven of comfort; she tried to resist, she tried not to fall.
But she did, face down on what she once thought was a soft earth. Rain
engulfed her fragile body and spirit; it tried to trap her in the valley,
it aimed to persuade her that life was broken and there was no room for love.

But the beautiful thing about life and about love
is that the Creator of the universe saw the girl's brokenness and cared for her still.
He picked her right up, lifted her out of the valley.
He claimed her as his own. This was the King's daughter
and he empathized with her through her suffering. His tears made the rain
and as he embraced her with his strength, she let her guard fall.

God's grace changed that girl into the woman I am now. Cause you see-- when I fall,
it's into the arms of an Almighty God. The Father's unending love
is mine and sets me free so instead of hiding, I dance in the rain.
I hear a voice from Heaven whisper "Peace. Be still
and know that I am God. I am with you my beloved daughter
to the ends of the earth, on the mountain and in the valley."

The shadows still will tiptoe through the valley.
The rain will not withhold itself when it's time to fall.
But forever I take refuge as a daughter of God, for he is agape-- unfailing love.

Like a Child

I pray every day for faith like a child. Children are wrapped in the security of their parents. Time and time again the parents provide food, shelter, clothing, love, happiness, peace. Children don't need to be reminded that their parents care, it's something they experience constantly. They are showered upon daily with these things, and more. So you don't hear children questioning their parents about where the next paycheck is coming from. You don't hear children worrying about if their parents are going to feed them or not. They've learned from the past that their parents are good and faithful to take care of them. Matthew chapter 7 poses an extremely powerful question "which of you, if his son asks for bread, will give him a stone? or if he asks for a fish, will give him a snake? if you, then though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in Heaven give good gifts to those who ask!" God wants us to come to Him with an open and honest heart, yes. But he probably sits on His throne, head in hand thinking "why do they keep worrying about these things? I've promised them I will provide...why don't they trust me?" And I know I'm the worst about this. "Am I ever going to get married? Will I be able to get a job after I graduate? Who is my husband, can't you just give me a hint? Will I actually be good at the career I've chosen? What if I'm not? Seriously though God, you did create a husband for me, right?! I know in the end, all things will work together for me. But in the meantime, I worry so so so so much and I'm not really sure why...why can't I be humbled like a child. Children don't worry about being taken care of, they just rest in the fulfilled promises of the past as an indicator that nothing is changing in the future. God has blessed me with so much, I need to stop worrying about Him taking care of me in the future because as the past tells me...He's got something INCREDIBLE for me! God help me to be humble and trusting like a child.

Undeserving But Useful

Today in Matthew, through the lineage of Jesus Christ himself, I was reminded of God's creativity. Nobody is immune to being used by God, not even prostitutes who hail from a rebellious nation. Rahab not only reminds us that our humanistic judgements of others are pointless and generally inaccurate, but also that God can seriously use any person, in any situation to bring glory to His name. Jesus came from Rahab's descent and He was the Savior of the world after all. Faith is all God requires of us to be used for His purposes.

Loyal to Love

Have you ever examined your life and stopped to think about how you have viewed God in each stage? When was your relationship strongest with Him? When was it weakest? What major events were happening in your life when you've noticed really positive or negative feelings with God? As I took some time to reflect on these questions, I realized that I've lived a blessed life. Materialistically speaking, my parents aren't wealthy, I don't drive the nicest car, and I'm a college student so I'm constantly losing money rather than acquiring it. But I've also been fortunate enough to not have had many tragedies occur in my life so far either. All the grandparents I've ever known are still alive and well, my parents are still happily married after 27 years, I grew up living comfortably in a safe, small town in God's country, and I'm a year and a half away from earning a college degree. Life is good. I'm content with where I've been and where I'm at, but I think that that has also unfortunately defined my relationship with God since I became a Christian. Through grade school I always did my best to obey God because I knew that that's what He expected of me since I was a Christian. For the most part, I respected my parents, I was always in church when the doors were open, I prayed every day, I was a good kid. In middle and high school, I just knew God had to have been impressed with me because I didn't drink or do drugs and I didn't have sex, unlike many of my peers. I was very self-righteous and at times very judgmental of the other students around me. I focused more on the rules of Christianity than I did the relationship, and for some messed up, strange reason, I was okay with that at the time. When I got to college, life got a little bit harder. I was faced with a lot of freedom and temptation that I had never experienced before and my faith was tested. As much as I would like to say I passed with flying colors, I didn't. I fell flat on my face. And Satan tried to keep me there for a while. He kept covering me with guilt and for once in my life I was ashamed of who I was. But as powerful as Satan is, he is no match for my God (For where sin increased, God's grace abounded all the more - Romans 5:20). It took several months for God to convince me that He had forgiven me and that it was time for me to forgive myself. It took several months for God to woo me and prove that my worth is found in Him, not in what I've done. I was the most broken I've ever been, and up to that point I was the closest to God that I had ever been in my life. I'm currently in the closest relationship I've had with God and I believe it's because "the LORD is near the brokenhearted, He saves those crushed in spirit." I'm not in that stage anymore, but coming out of it I've chosen to take my refuge in Him. In my quiet time today I read about Job and how Satan seemed to have underestimated him. Job was extremely blessed and loved the Lord, but Satan believed that followers of God only love God because of the blessings He gives us. So he tests his theory by destroying everything Job owns, killing his children, and even plaguing him with an awful, incurable disease. But Job refused to curse God and proved to Satan that believers don't love God because of what He gives, but instead because of who God is. We love God because He first loved us, and His love overflows in our lives. Instead of turning away from God, Job took refuge in God in his darkest times and found strength in the Lord. I don't mean to be repetitive but I can't help but notice this recurring theme of strength and security in the arms of the Lord. I've never experienced, and hope to never have to experience the chaos that Job went through, but I do know that no matter what I am a conqueror and coheir with Christ and I've already defeated Satan. I dare him to underestimate me and bring me closer to my loving Father, to make my love and faith stronger. My love for God isn't based on what He has or hasn't given my in my life but it's based on the love He's already shown me. It's also comforting to know that God's love is unconditional, no matter what I do.

God, My Refuge.

Today I was reminded of some simple truths, but they're ones that I'm often quick to forget.

- God is watching over my life journey (Psalm 1:6)
- I am a daughter of the King of Kings, He is my daddy (Psalm 2:7)
- Joy comes from taking refuge in God (Psalm 2:12)

I also read a quote today that said "people cry not because they're weak, but because they've been strong for too long" and I think that says a lot about how I used to view myself. I thought that because I could compose myself in front of others and fake being happy that I was strong. That image came crashing down over the course of this past semester when random things kept going wrong and for once I couldn't contain myself anymore. Every little negative experience I had really seemed to get to me and I began questioning God. I claimed that He thought I was stronger than I really was, and I complained that I couldn't handle everything that was going on in my life. Why is it that we often listen to the lies of Satan before we choose to hear what God is trying to speak or do to us? What I considered to be weakness was actually God changing my view of where my strength came from. Previously I tried dealing with tough circumstances by dealing with them my own way rather than leaning on God. But He used this time of "weakness" as a way to show me that I'm nothing on my own, but with Him, I am unconquerable. Today I've learned that I'm not weak unless I'm leaning on my own understanding. But instead, I am a strong and courageous daughter of the King because of Christ, and will be blessed by taking refuge in Him.

Strong and Courageous

Funny how just last night I admitted to my new accountability partner that I'm often too stubborn to listen to God's truths the first time, and sometimes it takes many different people or circumstances to really make those truths a reality in my life. Funny also how we discussed the beauty of God's timing, even in the simple things. Funny because today when I began my quiet time, I was taken to the book of Joshua, an account of some pretty big promises being fulfilled by a faithful God. Sitting on the heels of the promised land, Joshua assumes the role of leading the Israelites to the place God designated for them. Seeing and experiencing the struggles Moses faced as a leader of disobedient people couldn't have been too encouraging for Joshua, and I feel like he might have felt a little like I do now. Granted, I'm not responsible for leading 40,000 men into battle against their enemies in order to secure the promised land for all of God's people...but I am battling my own enemies in my pursuit of God's promises to me, unsure of what's ahead of me but not dwelling on the past. But like me, God has to remind Joshua several times to be strong and courageous because He is present. Just in the initial appointment of Joshua as leader, God tells him three times. "Be strong and courageous, for you will distribute the land I swore to their fathers to give them as an inheritance (1:6) Above all, be strong and very courageous to carefully observe the whole instruction My servant Moses commanded you...(7)...Haven't I commanded you: be strong and courageous? Do not be afraid or discouraged, for the LORD your God is with you wherever you go (9)" It's incredible to realize that God holds amazing promises for my future, why would I fear that? Satan may try to deter me from the path God has for me, but with God always by my side, whom shall I fear? Even after sin caused a temporary disruption of the conquering of Canaan, God still encouraged Joshua that His promises were good and would be fulfilled. God recognized Joshua's fear and when Joshua returned a second time to Ai after an embarrassing defeat, God reassured him "Do not be afraid or discouraged" (8:1) Sometimes Satan uses my past to distract and discourage me from claiming the beauty of my future. He reminds me that I was defeated once before and I would be again. But God tells me different. God is with me every step of the way to say, "be strong and courageous, do not be afraid or discouraged. I am with you." I believe God is a God of fulfilled promises. Through faith and obedience, God revealed His faithfulness and strength to Joshua and the Israelites, and He promises the same for me. God killed off an entire generation of disobedient people before He would let His people reach the promised land. He also allowed the Israelites to be defeated by a much smaller, weaker nation because of the disobedience of ONE man. I understand not only the benefit of obedience in my own life, but I also realize that my brothers and sisters in Christ are just as dependent on my obedience as it affects the whole body of Christ.  I don't want to be the one disobedient part of the body of Christ, and I especially don't want to be part of an entire generation of disobedient children. I truly believe God is raising up our generation as a diligent army to do something great in this world, and that's what I want to be part of. We're all going to come across doubts and fears, but when we do, we can take heart in Joshua's story. Be strong, be courageous. God is faithful and when we are obedient, He fulfills His promises to us.   

God is Enough.

I'm not exactly sure where I'm going with this blog, in all honesty it's starting as a written act of reckless abandonment. I've recently come to a place of absolute, complete, and total brokenness. Satan wedged difficult circumstances in my life as an attempt to break my faith. But my God is faithful in that He took this ugly, tragic mess and He used it to break me in a completely different way. In 2 Corinthians 1:9 I'm encouraged that God's grace is sufficient for me, for His power is made perfect in my weakness. Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. While Satan looked to use my sin and mistakes as a way to destroy, God overcame and used those same sins and mistakes to remind me of how vulnerable I am. He used them as a way to wreck any feelings of complacency I've allowed within my relationship with Him. Over the past few months my sights and hopes have been on anything and everything outside of God, himself. How dumb can I be? It's sad that I used God as a last resort. Of course when things get taken away, God is still God and He's still there...but why do I often wait until the other aspects of my life are stripped away until I notice Him? He's the fountain of every blessing I have, but I often keep Him in the background until I need Him. But the beauty of this is that when those blessings or things in life are gone, and God is all you have left, you realize that God is enough. Psalm 73:26 tells me that my flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever. I'm not proud of the journey I took to recognize this truth, but God revealed it regardless. I think pain came into play because God was breaking me of my pride, breaking me of my own ambitions and plans. When my agenda failed, and failed again, and then failed a few more times I realized that until I acknowledge that God has a perfect and beautiful plan for my life, I'm only going to face disappointment in my own intentions. Until I accept His plan wholeheartedly, without supplementing it with my own, I'm not getting the full benefit and He isn't getting the glory. In life, like in this blog, I don't know where I'm going. But God promises that if I let go of my plans in reckless abandon, that He will bless me beyond my wildest dreams.